What’s your life tip?: anger


I’m going to start off by saying sorry, this isn’t my usual life tip. I have many life tips lined up to share with all of you, but the past few days I may have had a couple of real rainbows, but am far from rainbow or even sunny moments. This morning I woke up and felt like buckets of cold rain had been poured on me for about an hour straight. It’d say it’s at a mist now, but I’m still not feeling like my happy self and I didn’t want to fake it in a post for all of you. Just because it’s raining on my Monday, doesn’t mean I want it to rain on yours! That’s really all I’ll say about that because this isn’t a place for me to vent, rant, and cast my shadow. This is a place of improvement and making the world better. I don’t think explaining every little detail of why I’m feeling like I’m feeling right now would help anyone, not even myself.

So… I ask all of you: what’s your life tip for dealing with anger? With others’ directed at you? With your own? With the world’s? I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. One of my biggest faults is that I get angry too easily. I have a quick and hot temper and there are certain people and issues that bring out the worst of it. I’m working on it, but even when you think you’ve learned all there is to know, the teacher hands you the test and you realize that all of the answers leave your mind.

On another note, I’ve tried to surround myself with positive people or at least those who are working to be their best (or are open to the idea). Even in the blogging community it seems that most are open-minded and positive individuals. It’s (hopefully) rare to get a mean comment or a mean individual enter and tear down what you’ve worked on for so long. What do you do with someone who’s mean and so full of anger? What do you do when you just don’t understand someone’s logic and “talking sense” doesn’t seem to work?

I look forward to hearing your responses and hope all of you have a wonderful Monday!

Comments

Rachel at Eat and Write
20 June 2011 - 20:37

Sorry you’re having a bad time recently! Happily, I don’t have to deal with mean people very often, but when I do I generally try to remain polite and straightforward. Sometimes people don’t realize how they sound. However, when people are REALLY rude I either get pissed off (and go off on them… and believe me that’s not pretty – I have a pretty amazing vocabulary when I’m angry) or question whether they should be in my life at all. Obviously, both of these reactions are extreme, and I honestly don’t have to deal with people in this way very often. My thoughts are that I don’t need stress and if someone only brings rudeness, pessimism, and negativity then I don’t want to know them. That might be a little cold, but it’s not my job to make their lives better or teach them anything, especially when they want to wallow in their own negativity (and most people who are like that DO want to wallow). The only thing that ends up happening is that I become more like them, not the other way around. < Long story short: don't let people rob you of joy! It's not worth it.

kimbirdy
20 June 2011 - 21:06

because i’m a therapist, anger is something i deal with on a daily basis. everyone who comes to me has anger overflowing in their life, but here’s the thing – that’s okay. {okay, this is about to be a huge comment, but i hope it’s helpful.}

anger is just like physical pain – it’s not pleasant at all, but it has a very important purpose. it sends a message that something is not right, there’s some sort of boundary that is not being respected or some sort of emotional pain happening. with physical pain, you take a pill and try to figure out the root of the problem so you can stop the pain from happening in the future. sadly, most people don’t do this with emotional pain and anger. we tell kids that anger is bad, by scolding them when they act out, so we grow up and continue to believe that we should just not be angry. avoiding anger, however, is really unhealthy and only makes the wound deeper.

so here’s what i do {and what i recommend to others} when dealing with anger: 1. get rid of the chemicals in your body that come with feelings of anger. in order to release the adrenaline, you should exercise and cry your heart out. sweating, tears, and actually urinating all release the stress chemicals. in addition to a hard core workout session, i also like to do a little destruction. i tear a magazine to shreds, punch pillows, or smash glass bottles into the recycling bin. i don’t have a psychological purpose behind this, it just feels really really good. :) 2. figure out the underlying cause of the anger. the easiest way i do this is by writing. i sit down and type out everything that runs through my head or heart. i just get it all out. at first it just seems like a mishmash of angry thoughts, but as i type, i begin to have epiphanies, see patterns, and make realizations about what’s happening to make me so sad, frustrated, hurt, disappointed, confused, etc. after i figure out the cause, i can then make a plan. sometimes it’s enough to just know, other times i can make a change or confront something that isn’t right in my life. other people i know like to do this by talking it out to a trusted friend or their dog, and other people like to create art as a way to do deep thinking. whatever you do, the point is to take the time to really face what’s happening on that deeper level.

when it comes to dealing with incredibly angry people around you, the most important thing is to hold on to empathy. by understanding that they are struggling with a deep pain of their own, you can have the compassion necessary to deal with them. of course, you can’t force people to handle their anger in healthy ways, so if someone is causing your life to be incredibly unhealthy, then you have to set some boundaries. that may mean confronting them, or it may mean significantly cutting back on time you spend with them.

Studio MME
20 June 2011 - 22:11

Wow, there’s no way I can compete with a therapist. Haha. But I generally take a very long walk and try to visualize all of the amazing things that I have in my life. Then I realize, how can I be angry? I am so blessed!

Anyway, I know that you are probably feeling much better already but I’m sorry you woke up angry. This morning I was angry at my uterus because my PMS cramps decided to start hours before the alarm clock. But, then I realized how lucky I was to still be young and not mind crouching by the toilet for a while.

Ashley
20 June 2011 - 23:32

Ahhh bad days, angry days we all have ‘em. The people who say they don’t are majorly repressing their emotions. I don’t know if I have a tip for managing anger or bad moods other than letting the crappy feeling be there. I also like to vent, cry and exercise. Hope you’re feeling more like yourself soon!

Meredith
21 June 2011 - 01:16

I just use logic. Instead of letting my emotions overrun my actions and words (which is easy to do when someone is angry or being mean). I think to myself, why is this person angry or acting the way he/she is? What must he/she be feeling? Have I done anything to wrong this person? Is their anger at me justified? If I actually have done something wrong, I do my best to make the situation right (but not if the person is yelling in my face because at that point they’re probably not going to hear anything I say anyway). I wait until the person has calmed down and then try to apologize or whatever they need. If the person is treating me unfairly, then I just tell them I haven’t done anything to deserve it. How they take it is their problem at that point.

Brandi {not your average ordinary}
21 June 2011 - 04:19

Can you believe that I used to have an awful temper? When I got angry, I got really angry. And over the little things too, like someone folding my laundry. But I’ve learned over the years to breathe and to think before I let any words come out of my mouth. I try to separate the anger from the hurt, to fully feel each emotion. And then I ask myself if it’s really worth it, the anger. That conversation helps, a lot.

Kayla @ Exquisite Banana
21 June 2011 - 04:55

I think a lot of us struggle with this, myself included. I’ve actually been working more to let my anger out, along with any sadness, disappointment, fear, etc. that builds up. I tend to bottle everything inside which can be completely debilitating. Simply talking about it with someone I love and trust has helped a lot in recent years. Also, stopping to talk to myself about why I’m feeling a certain way often puts the situation and accompanying emotions in perspective and allows me to move forward with addressing and dealing with them.

good luck figuring this out…I think the main thing you have to remember is this: there are no right answers. It’s a process and a journey and you have to let yourself trust it.

Caroline
21 June 2011 - 05:12

So sorry you aren’t feeling your best :(

I believe in a two-fold approach…. 1st of all once you have anger in your body the only thing to do is allow it- its there and a fact. Accept it, feel it and let it go in any of the methods that Kimbirdy said.

I really do believe anger can be a good thing, and alert us to what is important to us, or alert us to anything that is off in our lives.

However, I also believe that there are techniques to looking at things differently. Have you ever read “Loving What Is?” by Byron Katie? It always blows my mind when I go back to read it. I HIGHLY recommend it. It is very interesting and very helpful.

I know that you are very passionate about Animal Rights and other very noble very frustrating things in our world. That alone can cause anger that is hard to handle, because its impossible to remove yourself from the situation without sacrificing what you believe so much in. The book is really good at allowing you to see why you can still care about things and take action, without feeling the negative side of it.

Other than that…. I hope you feel better! Everyone has low days :-/

Caroline

Caroline
21 June 2011 - 05:12

btw… I LOVE your graphics…. super cool

Misty :)
21 June 2011 - 14:50

Anger, this is probably by far one of the hardest topics to actually give a life tip on/advice (to me anyway). You would think its as simple as, don’t lash out at others, and just smile when someone is being angry with you. However, this isn’t always the best way to deal with it. I mean, if you do that, you could just end up resenting the person that is bein a jerk to you and do something/say something later on you regret. Its really difficult to be able to give advice on this just because everyone deals with anger in so many different ways. Just because one thing may work for me, may not work for you. And vise versa.

Take me for example, when I am at work, I deal with MANY people who are upset and angry over something. If I took it personally (them yelling and cussing me out) I would get really upset and angry right back. I know I can’t do this, so I try to listen to what they are seeing and figure out what the problem is. When I finally figure it out, I try and help them and make them less angry, and hopefully by the time they leave, they are more content with the situation. If it is something that I can’t take care of or I can’t reason with the person, I usually just call a manager.

Now, on the other hand, I deal with anger in a very bad way (when I’m the one thats mad). I know I do. And I have been trying to fix it (its coming a long but very slowly). These things you just change in a day lol But when I get home from work, I have a very VERY short fuse for my temper. I’m tired, customers have either pissed me off or annoyed, as well as employees. I know I’ve mentioned that you should never bring your work home with you in a previous post, but sometimes its difficult if you’ve had a very, very bad day. So, what ends up happening, I come home and someone says something that royally pisses me off. I end up yelling at them or snapping at them or just being quiet the rest of the night and let that one little comment ruin my evening at home. I know I should practice what I do at home but by that time, I don’t want to “hide” the fact that people are making me mad. I want them to know how I feel and I do. Its very clear that I am upset. And half the time, they don’t care or they think they didn’t do anything wrong (which, usually they probably don’t. I’m just that sensitive/emotional lol).

As for what I am trying to do to fix how I deal with angry people and being angry myself, I am just trying to not let the little things get to me anymore. Life is too short to let stupid things make you mad and upset. I would suggest that you should try and listen to the other person and keep an open mind as to why they are saying what they are saying/doing what they are doing. Now, bare with me here when I say this (you may not understand it and I will try and explain better if you don’t!). When someone does something you don’t think is right/understand. You start thinking of WHY they did that. They did it because they were upset, they did it because they thought they were being a “good friend to you,” they did it because they didn’t know better. This is YOUR logic as to why they were doing this. However, it may not be THEIR logic as to why they actually did it. Just because you can come up with a reasoning as to why they do something does not mean that is correct. Your logic may not be someone else’s logic. Therefore, you need to remember that when people do and say differnet things, they have a different reason for doing it. They may not being doing it to be mean or spitefuly (although you may think so). So, when you start to question why someone is acting or saying something that is hurtful and makes you upset, don’t start reasoning why they are doing that. It isn’t always right. This is why you should try and talk things out with the person that you are angry with or is angry with you, etc.

Hopefully this helped? And I didn’t stray off the topic too awful much!!!

Liz Longacre
22 June 2011 - 15:09

Eva, I have a hot temper too sometimes, but it only comes out in very specific instances, really when I feel like people are being rude or condescending, to me or others. I can’t stand that. I get so mad sometimes and it completely takes over a good portion of the day. I especially get mad if I don’t have the perfect comeback and the perfect time! I wish I could say I have the answer but when my buttons are pushed, emotions definitely take over. It does help to realize that people treating others that way must be miserable and unhappy with their own lives, so I shouldn’t let their misery ruin my day. I just try to always treat others the way I would want to be treated. But I think sometimes we’re allowed to get a little angry, we are human after all :)

Eva
23 June 2011 - 00:05

THANK YOU all so much for your awesome and thoughtful responses! I’m beyond pleased that I asked for YOUR tips and that each of you took the time to leave a response. Each one of your responses has helped me immensely! It’s really cool to see the different ways we all handle the same situation/feeling… in this case: anger.

Krystal/Village
23 June 2011 - 00:59

I think what you said- surrounding yourself with positive people is really important – people who you trust, etc. i can definitely feel angry but i always force myself to put the situation in to perspective and I talk myself down (about the only thing my degree in therapy is good for here!!)

Marjorie Rose
24 June 2011 - 03:48

I’m a little late in my reading but I wanted to say that this holds true for me. I allow myself the full scope of my emotions. But everything has a time and a place so I’m mindful of my behavior at the first burst of anger.. Later on, I assess it and then eventually let it go… it takes a looootttt of practice.





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